Today I was driving to Wynwood to go meet up with friends, and my girlfriend and I were having this super charged convo about feeling free and how finding our purpose is just staying in that light. I notice such a big change in her, my younger sister and actually everyone in my circle. I was telling her to meet more ppl that will blow her mind and elevate her journey higher. Even if they don't stay, Just fuck with really amazing ppl. Travel the world and get free, be expressive and create. I started crying myself, and I felt the trembling in my voice as I uttered the words. Look at me, I found myself In my 30s. Then I said that again just to feel that again.
It took me until my 30s to find myself, that is deep shit. I wasn't even focused on how long it took me to get here. It was more so the realization of how amazing my life is, who I really am, and how I just really have truly came to this space of self-confidence and fearlessness. Am I over that transition phase, or is just another shift in my transitional journey? Whatever it is, It feels completely new, attractive intoxicating and exciting. I study my mind more, and I saw how predictable I was at times, how ephemeral the contents of my mind get, how my fleeting thoughts and emotions are impermanent. I swear I check myself at least 10 times a day. Im getting married wtf, to my best friend who walked a very similar dark path as well as me. Like why can't I just accept happiness without feeling afraid to lose It?
Staying present: In the car It hit me, why these past couple weeks It has been difficult for me to express In words what I felt while In Bali. Beating myself up and then being totally okay with being still. My ability to hold space has been a tough challenge and I have noticed a huge shift in the way I allow my energy to be transferred. I just don't have the capacity to really allow much to sway me anymore. Certain people no longer drain me, I no longer get caught up in the dark side more than my light. Im not attracting Low vibrational bullshit anymore.
Bali was my release, not where I found myself. That surrendering to concepts, notions, attachments, fears, and self-hatred, and then transmuting It all in to one force of gratitude. Gratitude for literally every damn thing I can think of everyday. I was in Bali and space-time didn't make sense. so why do I need to carry all that pressure here? Im becoming something new AGAIN, Because this experience was just to teach me that I carry absolutely everything within me.
Im equally at home in the chaos as I was in all that stillness, and yea I'm built for that. My ship is sturdy. It's not about feeling invincible or indestructible or superhuman or, even, particularly brave. Courageous is the quality of showing up to be in it, even when in it is truly somewhere you do not want to be. I can kick and scream, but I still have to show up. Everything is down to balance in this world. It is a law of the Universe to have equal forces in existence. That which propels, and that which disturbs. They may seem at odds with each other, but I cannot understand how bright my light is without understanding what it feels like when it seems to be gone. So cheers to checking myself another 10 times a day If I need to. My vibration will forever be my purpose to see beauty.